Tuesday, 26 February 2013

'URI GELLER AND THE RELUCTANT ADMIRER'


Today I visited a photographic studio in London to shoot pictures which will promote my new range of Uri Geller 'Positive Energy Drinks'.

"Uri this is Sharon, she will be your make-up artist today" said my latest personal assistant Mikhail, gesturing to the lady on his left.

"It is nice to meet you, Sharon" I said, and then all of a sudden I felt.... 'IT'.... again.

"Sharon.... WOW.... I sense a powerful psychic aura around your entire body.... with flashes of bright light pulsating towards me. 
And the answer is 'YES', you may have your photograph taken with me".

She quickly pushed my clasped hands away from her scalp, and I will admit that I was shocked to have been greeted with such a negative response. But when I sat in the make-up chair, the thick mist and the mist-ery, began to thin.

"Uri, you know what the problem is?" the left side of my brain asked the right.

"I think this woman is completely starstruck by you".

"Are you sure?" my brain's right side replied.

"Yes, observe.... observe how uncomfortable Sharon appears around you.... the way she is applying foundation to your cheeks at arm's length, her attempts to avoid all eye contact, and her automatic grimace whenever you speak".

"YOU ARE RIGHT!" the left side of my brain exclaimed.
"Sharon is obviously a Super-Fan, but not only that - she is a 'Super-Shy Super-Fan!".

"I know exactly how to help someone so timid!" concluded my brain's right side.

When the photoshoot was complete and it was time to leave, I jumped directly into Sharon's personal space. Before she could reach for anything sharp I stared deeply into her eyes, brought forth a semi-smile, and hypnotised her body into a frozen state of paralysis.

"Mikhail, please take a picture of us with your camera phone and email it to dear Sharon - clearly one of my biggest fans EVER".

Sharon did not have the ability to speak at the time, but her numbed eyes told me she will treasure that photograph, forever.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Friday, 25 January 2013

'URI GELLER AND THE COMRADE OF AMAZEMENT'


Today I am at a meeting to discuss a very exciting potential collaboration with popular French spoonbalancer; Flash Roux.

Flash rose to fame by winning the 2011 final of television show 'La France Possessé Incrédible Talent'. This was no surprise since he blew judges Dénis de Fumer, Pascal Chambre and Céline Piscine away with his very first audition, when he balanced a total of 248 spoons on his horizontal face.

As I watched more and more of Flash's imaginative performances on the Youtubes, I realised that we should team up to create the ultimate spoon-based live performance show. Flash is a supremely talented spoonbalancer.... I am obviously the world's most well-loved spoonbender.... it is a match made in Heaven. But it will probably take place in Las Vegas.

Here are 'Geller & Roux' practising initial thoughts for the opening routine.
It involves Flash balancing a tablespoon on the bridge of his nose, flicking it up into the air towards me, so I can pinch the handle between my thumb and forefinger, bend it to a boomerang shape, throw it into the audience and then catch it once it returns. There have already been 14 eye injuries in rehearsals, but we think if audience members have the option of purchasing 'Geller & Roux' branded eye defenders for $50, the potential for blindness will be greatly reduced.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

'URI GELLER AND THE GLAD TIDINGS OF STEEL'


Today I have set time aside to write my Christmas spoons.

Most of the world's population prefer to send their festive greetings using the conventional method, but I prefer to add a more personal touch by giving my Christmas cards in spoon form.

To receive one, please telepathically send me your name, address, and the preferred angle that you would like me to bend your spoon.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy. And Happy Saviour's Day!

-Uri

Saturday, 17 November 2012

'URI GELLER AND THE COMMUNICATION OF HOPE'


I am about to conduct a very special psychic experiment, the first of its kind, in the garden of my holiday villa on the Geller Islands.

I consider myself a friend to all living things.... from humans to tigers, to elephants, to bed bugs, to beetles, to swans, to giraffes, to polar bears, to cats, to snails, to whales, to lizards, to birds, to horses, to dogs, to rabbits, to turtles, to sheep, to chimpanzees, to frogs, to zebras, to owls, to foxes, to pandas, to wolves, to pigs, to fleas, to seals, to jellyfish, to dogs, to goats, to eagles, to chickens, to orangutans, to meerkats, to snakes, to kangaroos, to badgers, to starfish, to ponies, to parrots, to lions, to stick insects, to guinea pigs, to rats, to leopards, to koala bears, to cows, to penguins, to rhinos, to bees, to mice, to donkeys, to wolves, to otters, to crocodiles, to moths, to squirrels, to warthogs, to budgies, to prawns, to beavers, to flies, to gorillas, to panthers, to sharks, to flamingos, to hippos, to deer, to duck-billed platypus, to raccoons, to cockroaches, to camels, to hedgehogs, to bats and crabs.... and since I was a boy my desire has been to establish a psychic link between the human and animal community, so that our species can work together to make a better world.

My 'Geller-Goal' is to start small at first, by using the psychic powers and abilities I possess to create a mind connection with the many thousands of earthworms beneath the garden surface. Once a connection is made, I will mentally lock on to it and shout "COME! COME! COME! COME!...... COME!" at the ground. The waves transferring from both mind and mouth will slowly permeate through the earth and encourage the worms towards the surface.

As you can see, I have positioned a plank of wood at the soil surface. This acts as a 'Welcome Bridge' from their world to ours, and is attached to an entire network of planks which lead into my home. Once the thousands of earthworms climb on, I will mentally coax them inside and around my kitchen table, and from there we will begin telepathic talks on 'Stage II: How To Unite Humans & The Entire Animal Kingdom To Bring A Better Tomorrow'.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

'URI GELLER AND THE GREAT FIRE OF NEGATIVITY'


Today I am cleansing any remaining negativity that lingers within my mind, body and soul.

How do I do this?

By gathering together and burning all newspaper and magazine articles from the last 40 years that have falsely accused me of being a paranormal, psychic and spoonbending fraud.

Once I watch red fire consume the ink of each hurtful sentence, it is important I let negative thoughts towards the author go up in flames too. That is why I have made a list of each and every journalist beforehand, so I can send the charred ashes of their words in the mail..... to let them know that it does not affect me.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Saturday, 8 September 2012

'URI GELLER AND THE REGAL ANNOUNCEMENT OF DOOM'


Today I am a VIP guest at the private birthday party for Crown Prince Naruhito; heir apparent to the Chrysanthemum Throne of Japan.

This photograph was taken moments after I shook hands with His Majesty, and pointed out that he only had days to live due to an undetected fatal heart condition.

Sometimes my phenomenal psychic powers are a terrible curse, but as my dear ex-best friend Michael Jackson used to say; "Be not like Pinocchio, always tell the truth".


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Friday, 10 August 2012

'URI GELLER AND THE PLAN OF ECONOMIC REGENERATION'


I am flying in a private aeroplane today!

"Wow! Where are you going, Uri?" I can sense you asking.

I am traveling from my UK home to Iceland to host a motivational speaking seminar.

"Why are you traveling all the way from your UK home to Iceland to host a motivational speaking seminar, Uri? Or does confidentiality forbid you to reveal any further details?".

No it is fine, I am more than happy to tell you more......

As you will have read in the newspapers, the beautiful country of Iceland is sadly on the brink of economic ruin and also in the depths of financial despair. As a result of this disaster the nation's morale is at an all-time low, and so Prime Minister Geir Haarde has decided to spend Iceland's last 10 million króna to pay me to come to his country on his personal jet to give a mass motivational speech to the entire population.

As I am Prime Minister Haarde's last hope to bring Iceland back to it's former glory, I have suggested that for optimum results, my megaphone and I stand alone on top of Mount Hvannadalshnúkur - Iceland's highest peak. This will allow every single one of Iceland's 3,000 residents to see me from a spectacular 360 degree viewpoint, no matter where they personally live in the country.

Not only do I want to bring this great nation back from financial collapse with my thought beams of joy, I also want to lift the spirits of each financially crippled citizen with a gift....

The gift of a spoon.
The gift of a special Uri Geller spoon.
The gift of a special Uri Geller spoon with a 25% discount.
The gift of a special Uri Geller spoon with a 25% discount now costing only 61,174.80 króna ($473.71 US dollars).

"Is there anything I can do to make your flight more enjoyable?" asked our beautiful flight attendant Arnþrúður before take-off.

"Yes Arnþrúður" I replied. "Please double-check here are at least 3,000 spoons within the 76 items of hand luggage I have on board..... I must conserve my energies before I save your country".

I am pictured here handing Arnþrúður bag number one. I hope she is a fast counter.... it is only a 3 hour flight to Iceland!


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Monday, 16 July 2012

'URI GELLER AND THE SUMMER SNOWFALL OF DELIGHT'


I was a little bored at home today, and so I decided to make it snow.
HAPPY JULY!


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Saturday, 30 June 2012

'URI GELLER AND THE FLOCK OF AUSTRALASIAN GODDESSES'


If it is possible to get high from the natural force of positive energy, then today I am bouncing off the clouds like a rubber eagle.

It is the 'Annual Australian Uri Geller Fan Club Convention 2012' day event in Melbourne, and there is so much positivity and love in the arena that I cannot help but smile when I think of the number of tickets and merchandise that has already been sold.

Here I am with my fans during a key lecture. Everyone is welcome at the convention as long as they are female, young, attractive and preferably blonde. You may also notice a couple of men and older ladies who somehow managed to get past security, but they were later removed and escorted off the premises with their minds hypnotically wiped.

For those of you who are not female, young, attractive, blonde and therefore unable to attend, here is the day's programme of events:

09.00 - 09.02 BRIEF WELCOME GREETING - from Uri Geller

09.02 - 13.00 SPOONBENDING FOR BEGINNERS - with Uri Geller (spoons not provided)

13.00 - 14.00 LUNCH - not with Uri Geller (spoons provided)

14.00 - 18.00 ADVANCED SPOONBENDING - with Uri Geller (ladles not provided)

18.00 - 05.30 MANDATORY PHOTOGRAPH SESSION WITH URI GELLER - (£55.00 per person. Queue refreshments not provided)


Everybody is having a lot of fun so far, and I am sure I will too before the end of the day.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Saturday, 5 May 2012

'URI GELLER AND THE CLOUDED HEAD OF AMNESIA'


Today I am promoting my new range of bendable cutlery on Russian television.
And guess who I bumped into in a corridor? It is none other than international chart sensation 'Moby'!

Though it was quite a mystery at first, because after introducing myself to Moby he insisted that he was not Moby at all, and that I had him mixed-up with somebody else. But how could this be? I was 64% sure that this man was Moby.
Suddenly, my mind spoke to me:

"Uri, you know what is happening here?"

"No" I replied.

"This is an extreme case of memory loss. Probably the most severe kind you have ever encountered" said my head.

"You could be right" I thought.

I then began to wonder what Moby was doing at the TV studios. Whether he was there to perform his latest hit recording, and what would happen if his amnesia joins him on stage.

"He would forget the words in front of millions" replied my mind. "HELP THIS MAN".

"I SHALL!" I shouted, and grabbed Moby by the arms whilst staring into his eyes and rewiring his inner thoughts.

"YOU ARE MOBY. YOU ARE MOBY. YOU ARE MOBY....... WHO ARE YOU?"

"M-M-M-M.......M......M......M-M-Moby?" he whispered innocently, with tears streaming down his cheeks and a puddle of urine building around his feet. Six minutes later his shaking hand was signing autographs. My work here is done.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Sunday, 1 April 2012

'URI GELLER AND THE HEARTFELT CONFESSION OF TRUTH'


This website is a parody and not written by the real Uri Geller nor associated with him in any way, shape or form*





















*HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

'URI GELLER AND THE GOLDEN STAR OF REGENERATION'


I have.... been pushing myself and my abilities far.... too hard lately.

I am so weak from releasing so much psychic energy and kinetic force that I..... I.... barely have the energy to move my hands to push.... the keys on my keyboard.

Like super-hero Super-Man, my powers are generated by the rays of our yellow sun. So when I have strained my psychic capabilities to their maximum and feel drained of my powers, what do I do? I crawl on hands and knees into my garden, I surround myself with hundreds of spoons and I lie on them.

The sun's light then shines down thousands of miles onto each spoon, and their metallic entities refract the energy back onto my body. And what happens? I am energised with every minute that passes. But I must be careful, because last time the process took longer than normal and I was very badly sunburned.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Monday, 13 February 2012

'URI GELLER AND THE TRIO OF EFFERVESCENT RELATIVES'


In my life I have experienced some pretty exciting things; from telepathically mending Big Ben after it stopped ticking, to bending President Clinton's soup spoon at his inauguration dinner. But today I am super-excited, and there are two reasons for the aforementioned excitement within me:

1) Tonight a new television show I have been developing for Albanian television begins.

2) My parents and Grandmother have flown over from Israel to support me..... and they are here in the studio!

This is the most wonderful family portrait, and am so pleased I can share it with you.
Here you can see my Mother and Father on the right of the picture and my Grandmother to the left. I know what you must be thinking, now that you have this information; "Uri, how can this be, they look even younger than you!".

Well, the answer is so unbelievable that with every passing sentence you will find it totally believable.

When I first discovered my paranormal talents I was 11 years old, and hungry to learn more about the unspoken powers of psychic ability. So, I began mind-control experiments on my family without neither their knowledge or their consent. One of the very few successful experiments occurred in 1957, when I hypnotised their genes and stopped them aging from that day forward. And as you see, the results speak for themselves.

"Why didn't you perform the experiment on yourself at the same time, Uri?" I hear you ask.

Well, if you have ever seen the Jeff Goldblum documentary 'The Fly' you will understand why this could never, has never, and will never be an option.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Sunday, 15 January 2012

'URI GELLER AND THE GROUNDED CREATURE OF FEAR'


It was when I approached the family hot tub with the intention of cleaning it, that I discovered this timid young bird inside.

"Why do you not fly?" I asked the creature, telepathically.

"If I try to fly I will fail" the bird anxiously replied via avian thought transference.

"You CAN fly if you think POSITIVE"

"No. I cannot fly"

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"YES! I CAN FLY!"


And at that precise moment, a mere three days later, the bird soared high into the morning sky.

As I walked back into the house to shave my stubble, I once again found myself in complete awe by the power of positive thought.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Friday, 23 December 2011

'URI GELLER AND THE FESTIVE ZONE OF INFINITUDE'


"HAPPY HOLIDAYS!" and Merry Christmas to you as well.

At this special time of year I like to search through my old photographs and fondly remember those (hundreds of) thousands of people whose lives I have changed forever.

Today I am taking an emotional trip down memory lane to remember the female elves from 'Santa'z Kriztmas Krew' grotto at Rolling Acres Mall in Akron, Ohio. In the United States.

I met them whilst on a Christmas shopping trip, but when I entered the mall through it's revolving doors a burst of negative energy came from inside and pushed me back out. As soon I came round again I decided to locate the source and demolish it with plumes of positivity dispatched from my mind.

Yet after locating it's origin near the atrium, I was not faced with a crimson cloud of anger or scarlet menace, but a tangled cloud of stress surrounding Santa's Grotto. Unfortunately the aforementioned lady elves could not keep up with the onslaught of so many hundreds of children wanting to see just the one Saint Nicholas, and feeling their anxiety levels peaking I just knew I had to help.

I immediately closed my eyes, placed my index finger firmly upon my watch and proceeded to bend time itself. The second hand obeyed my command in an instant and slowed down the world's time vortex to such an extent that from that point on, seconds within the mall would take months to pass and minutes would take years.

"Do not worry" I told Kriztmas Krew members Jodi, Toni, Lois and Blossom.

"As of now, time will travel with you" I explained, and the combination of their tears and confused expressions said more to me than any words could have.

That day was December 15th 1995, and the ladies have been happily and obliviously working away within that time zone for almost 17 years now. I wish them and each mall shopper who is there celebrating the joy of Christmastime for all eternity a very Happy Holiday, and a prosperous 1996.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy. And season's greetings!

-Uri

Friday, 18 November 2011

'URI GELLER AND THE PUNGENT AURA OF MISERY'


Despite being the world's leading TV and online telekinetical psychically hypnotic specialist, on rare occasions I also undertake emergency 'house calls'. These occasions are in fact so rare, that this is the first one that I have ever agreed to.....

Yesterday morning I was telephoned by a young woman from the Ukraine named Людмила (pronounced "
Лю - дми - ла") who is a television producer at Ukraine's fourteenth-largest broadcasting corporation. Unfortunately, Людмила and her colleagues were faced with a delicate and difficult problem that is common in workplaces across the globe. It involved a person on her team named Тимофей who, to put it mildly, had little regard for personal hygiene, and as a result his pungent body odours were interfering with all television signals that the station broadcasts.

Tens of viewers were complaining that they could not watch their favourite programmes without interruption, so it was up to me to repair not only Ukrainian television schedules, but also the morale of the Ukranian people.

Following a brief consultation with Тимофей (and my head securely harnessed within the most industrial of gas masks) I realised the solution was simple. And after just one hour of extreme hypnosis, Тимофей now believes he is a rare orchid flower who must renew his sweet-smelling odours by rubbing soaps/shower gels/shampoos/deodorants/air fresheners into his body.
The result? Людмила and her colleagues' noses are beyond happy and the people of the Ukraine are able to watch their programmes without fuzziness once more.

And as for
Тимофей? Well, you can tell how much he clearly loves his new life as an orchid from the way he proudly displays his arms like blooming petals! It is a joy to see. For another day at least, my work is done.

Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Monday, 17 October 2011

'URI GELLER AND THE ITALIAN MAN IN THE MIRROR'


Meet Rondò Veneziano, Italy's foremost Michael Jackson impersonator. Rondò had come to compete in this week's 'World Annual Michael Jackson Tribute Artist Championship' here in Las Vegas, which I had been invited to judge alongside my good friends Martin Bashir and Bubbles the chimpanzee.

I must admit, when I first saw Rondò I thought I had seen a ghost..... the similarity to my ex-best friend Michael was uncanny, even down to the tightness of his curls and the width of his forehead. Wow..... it was as if Michael himself had risen from the dead like the zombies in 'Thriller', had a bath, changed into clean clothes and flown to Vegas.

For his competition heat, Rondò performed a rousing rendition of one of Michael's greatest hits 'Black Or White', complete with a scene-for-scene re-enactment of the famous music video. He sung whilst perched 500 metres above the ground inside the torch of a giant papier-mâché Statue of Liberty, then abseiled down to dance beside a tiny blonde dwarf who did a very convincing recreation of Macaulay Culkin's rap mime. Gosh, it was all very impressive. Rondò even simulated the video's celebrated 'morphing faces' section by putting on lots of different rubber masks and then taking each of them off as fast as he could. Wonderful.

Unfortunately, despite his best efforts Rondò did not make it to the next round. When it came to scoring, Bubbles awarded him a low '4' out of 10 and Martin was even less impressed and only gave '1 ½'. However, after channeling and conferring with Michael's spirit we both decided upon a maximum '10', but it was not enough to secure a victory and Rondò walked away in last position. But I never like to see talent go to waste, so I took Rondò to one side, put my finger inside his left nostril and blasted a volt of positive energy into his brain.

And do you know what happened next?

He walked over to a Cher lookalike pageant at the MGM Grand and won first place.
Viva Las Vegas!


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Thursday, 15 September 2011

'URI GELLER AND THE PSYCHIC CASTLE OF ACADEMIA'


Today I am in Sweden paying a visit to students at my 'Uri Geller Academy Of Spoonbending And Other Associated Psychic Abilities And Behaviour' (U.G.A.O.S.A.O.A.P.A.A.B. for short).

It is wholly funded by myself and is the world's foremost, most distinguished and only school for studying and nurturing psychic abilities of the young.

Why choose Sweden? Well, because it one of my most favourite countries in the world. Sweden is spilling over with fine culture, natural beauty and a proud individuality.

Sweden is also the home of IKEA, and choosing a site here meant we were eligible for a 75% discount on all fixtures and furnishings.

I had the idea for the school after watching 'X-Men' over a decade ago. It is a fantastic movie in which Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek is the Principal of a special academy for the supernaturally gifted, and spends 100% of his time sat in a chair teaching teenagers with extraordinary abilities how to utilise and strengthen their fantastic powers.

Even though it was only a movie, I found the list of similarities between myself and Jean-Luc staggering:


1) He can read people's minds.


It was then that I realised I too needed to build a school to teach and nurture the psychic powers of today's youths just like Jean-Luc, so that my legacy will live on forever. And now, 11 years later, we are in the second semester of our third year. The only criteria for entry is that each student must have a raw psychic ability, an open-mind and a willingness to learn and work hard. They must also bear at least a 95% resemblance to myself and their parents must sign an agreement allowing their children to legally change their name to 'Uri Geller'.

Here I am with freshmen Uri Geller and Uri Geller. They are currently learning to bend teaspoons and are keen to progress to ladles like those students in their senior year.

"Be patient" I tell them.

"Spoons are like bones..... as you grow they grow along with you".


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Thursday, 25 August 2011

'URI GELLER AND THE CONCAVE RAINBOW OF JOY'


I had planned to rest my bending powers at home today. I regularly need to recharge my mind batteries otherwise I become weak, like Superman wearing a Kryptonite sombrero.

But I was born to bend, and sometimes the urge becomes too much to resist and I have to give in. I fell off the wagon today as soon as I caught sight of the beautiful rainbow arching it's way over my garden and..... well.... you can see the result for yourself.

Do not worry though, I didn't leave the sky jumbled up for long and put the rainbow back in its original position before anyone noticed.

"How can you be sure, Uri?" I hear you ask. Well, because I can read minds of course.

And how exactly did I hear you ask? Because I can read your mind of course!


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Saturday, 30 July 2011

'URI GELLER AND THE MELODIC BAND OF MOUSTACHES'


Today I am with 'The Moustaches'; a touring bluegrass band from Missouri, USA.
Lead singer Fuzzy McClure (on far right in grease-stained sweatshirt and spectacles) recently emailed pleading for my psychic help and expertise.

Why?
Because his band were on the verge of extinction.

How so?
Let me explain......

In this picture you will notice that as well as Fuzzy, guitar player Mickey 'Balls' Murphy (denim-clad on far left) and bassist Buckles Hannigan (owner of the nose smelling my ear) all possess bushy, self-grown moustaches. But unfortunately, drummer Chadwick Sporran (grinning at the back) has a rare genetic defect that prevents him from aging, which means despite being in his mid-60's like the other band members he is trapped in the body of a teenager. But this bittersweet curse has also turned sour, as Chadwick has been trying to grow facial hair on his upper-lip since 'The Moustaches' formed 3 years ago, but with no success. As a result, tensions within the band are rising to an all-time low and they need Geller-Aid if they are to survive.

Therefore, I am about to spend the next 12 hours rubbing the palm of my hand all around Chadwick's upper-lip whilst simultaneously yelling "GROW!" at his bald patch in a forceful, yet encouraging tone. This will unleash a tidal-wave of positive energy into Chadwick's lower-face, lubricate his hair follicles and stimulate whisker growth.

Will it work? Of course it will.
But I have a tube of Pritt Stick and handful of Partridge feathers in my pocket just in case.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

'URI GELLER AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOUR DREAM EXPERIMENT'


Today I have spent the day at home and detached myself from the trappings of the outside world. The house phone has been off the hook, the battery has been removed from the doorbell and my mobile is switched to the 'telepathy' setting.

But why did I undertake such extremes?

It is because I was conducting a very dangerous and important psychic experiment that has never been attempted before, and for it to succeed I need utter and absolute peace.
And quiet. And a packet of Bourbon biscuits for when I break for tea.

There are four steps to this experiment. I shall now break down each of them for you in layman's terms....



1) AIM OF THE PSYCHIC EXPERIMENT:


Use my powers to extract a section of spectrum from a rainbow, and deposit it elsewhere.



2) METHOD FOR THE PSYCHIC EXPERIMENT:


a) Waiting days/weeks/months for heavy rainfall.

b) When storm arrives, crossing fingers and hoping for rainbow.

c) Once rainbow is visible, closing eyes and using kinetic mind powers to lock onto light frequencies of each colour within spectrum.

d) Reaching out with hand and attempting to extract segment of rainbow spectrum.

e) Securing within and/around hand.

f) Transferring spectrum slice into family dog Wholegrain Mustard's food bowl.

g) Boiling kettle.

h) Making tea.

i) Eating Bourbon biscuit(s).



3) RESULTS OF THE PSYCHIC EXPERIMENT:

The experiment was a huge success. (See photographic evidence above).



4) CONCLUSION TO THE PSYCHIC EXPERIMENT:

a) There appear to be no limits to my psychic powers and kinetic abilities.

b) Rainbow stains are stubborn and difficult to remove from skin.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

'URI GELLER AND THE FOUR-LEGGED HAIR FOLLICLE'



I am back at home after a whirlwind trip to Afghanistan. I was asked by the British government to perform as a morale-boosting exercise for all the courageous men and women soldiers who are out there on their tour of duty. The show was a great success, I could feel so much positive energy in the aircraft hangar. So I guess in the end everyone saw the funny side after I bent their entire arsenal of firearms, missiles and tanks in half.

But even powerful minds like mine can suffer the effects of jet lag, so today I am chilling out with the Geller family dog 'Wholegrain Mustard' who I named Wholegrain Mustard after my favourite condiment.

But he was not originally my dog. He once belonged to my ex-best friend Michael Jackson, who brought him to the Neverland Valley ranch as a puppy and then put him on display in his private zoo. Wholegrain Mustard spent the first seven years of his life inside a perspex tank along with turtles, jellyfish and hammerhead sharks. This unconventional upbringing means that as an adult Wholegrain Mustard is uncomfortable walking on dry land, but on the plus side he is an excellent swimmer.

After Michael's sad and untimely death, the Jackson estate asked if my family and I would take care of his beloved pet and love him as if he were our own son. In fact, like all of the animals in Michael's zoo the dog's original name was 'Michael', but I found that when I threw spoons and called out to him to fetch them it was too upsetting..... and so I wiped his mind.

I actually practice a lot of my mind control techniques on Wholegrain Mustard, so that they are perfected by the time I demonstrate them at one of my sellout motivational speaking lectures. But today is a day-off for us both, and in this picture you see me and Wholegrain Mustard enjoying some downtime together. Before my afternoon nap I had hypnotised him into believing that he is a single strand of my hair. Look at his face! He has clearly been having the time of his life over the past five hours whilst sat totally paralysed upon my head.

I say with utmost sincerity that there are few things in my life I love more than Wholegrain Mustard.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Thursday, 21 April 2011

'URI GELLER AND THE GERIATRIC BONES OF TORMENT'


Today I am with Mrs. Monika Kozel, at 42 years old she is Lithuania's oldest woman and her country's most famous resident. Sadly, she suffers from chronic arthritis and cannot afford the medication which would otherwise help to battle her constant agony.

So here I am demonstrating to Monika the power of positive thinking, to show how one can control one's own capacity for pain. Firstly, I hypnotise her mind and once she is in a comfortable state I tattoo my signature onto her left arm using a broken beer bottle and marker pen while she happily looks on.

Finally to prove my point further, I then snap her arm's brittle elderly bones with my bare hands. Of course she does not feel a thing, and is overjoyed to have been given the gift of pain relief.

"Thanking you Uri" whispered Monika.

"I am asking doctors for transparent plaster cast, so I am always seeing your name on my arm as it heal".

I shed a tear. My work here is done.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Saturday, 5 March 2011

'URI GELLER AND THE LOST ASTRONAUT IN THE STARS'


Today I am with my old friend Chuck 'Poundcake' Olsen III. We've known each other for nearly 40 years and met through a purely chance encounter.

In 1973 I was sitting down to a bowl of Minestrone soup, when suddenly my spoon turned upright in a vertical position and began pointing at the moon. Even in those days, unexpected spoon activity was a fairly common occurrence for me so I instinctively reached out for it, but mainly because my soup was getting cold. And then, when I touched the metal..... that is when it happened. Suddenly there was a 'FLASH!' behind my eyes and I saw him in my mind.

Who?
A lone astronaut on the surface of the moon, sat on the edge of a crater with his head in his hands.

Without haste (though I finished my soup first) I phoned Mr. President Nixon, who I had met a few months previously on The Johnny Carson Show:

"MISTER PRESIDENT! MISTER PRESIDENT! THIS IS URI GELLER... I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY SIR, BUT ON YOUR LAST SPACE MISSION ONE OF YOUR ASTRONAUTS GOT LEFT BEHIND AND IS STRANDED ON THE MOON. YOU MUST BELIEVE ME!".

President Nixon paused for a long moment, and then in a calm voice said; "Uri, I've not known you for long but I trust your abilities more than the American people trust their President. Stay on the line son, I'm bringing our man home".

And that was it. Within 6 hours the President had chartered a moon-bound NASA rocketship to bring back the lunar castaway; Commander Olsen - presumed dead by his co-astronauts after reporting him missing during a spacewalk..... when he had just been behind a big rock taking pictures all along.

"How can I ever repay you, Uri?" Chuck says every time we meet.

"Buy any of my books, positive thinking DVDs, self-help guides, clothing merchandise or an item from my QVC jewellery range, which are all available on my website www.urigeller.com" I always say.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Sunday, 13 February 2011

'URI GELLER AND THE DIGITAL ABACUS'


This is a landmark day for me and indeed for the modern world in general. For today I am in Toronto, Canada at the headquarters of BlackBerry to launch my very first smartphone app.

"Uri, this is fantastic news" I can telepathically hear you all think to yourselves.

"Please tell us more information so that we may find out the useful purpose of the app and how we can download it to our phones without haste".

Thank you for your interest, I would be more than happy to.....

The groundbreaking iGELLER app is an essential tool for everyday life which builds a digital bridge between the telekinetic and telecommunication domains.

As a fan of mine you will no doubt already know that under international psychic law, one (you) cannot be classed as a professional spoonbender until you (one) have bent precisely one million spoons.

The purpose of the iGELLER app centres around an in-built telepathic counter which tallies each spoon that the individual bender bends. This allows amateur psychokinetics to keep adding to their score via thought-transference, by simply closing their eyes and beaming the image of a horizontal mark onto their smartphone screen. But for added convenience there is also a manual option.

The app can be purchased from the online BlackBerry store at the incredible price of $0.99 (£0.69).

Each app also comes with a compulsory special edition URI GELLER - POSITIVE THOUGHT PEBBLE ® for only an additional $499 (£369). It is the perfect gift for Christmas! Happy downloading and good luck to you all.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri

Thursday, 20 January 2011

'URI GELLER AND THE CROWDED FIELD OF BOVINE'


Greetings!
Happy New Year!
And welcome to my adventures!

Today I am in a field in the South West of England visiting my friends the cows.
I have known the cow community for over 40 years, but our relationship did not get off on the best hoof to say the least.

When I emerged in the 1970's bending thousands of spoons on TV shows all over the world, the cows took exception to this. Why? Because in their minds the spoonbending phenomenon was preventing milk from being efficiently stirred in cups of tea and coffee.

But, thankfully, we made up after I suggested using my psychic powers to help the cows increase their milk sales. I found that by simply waving my hand over their udders I was able to flavour the milk before it left their bodies. And now decades later, such exciting milk varieties as chocolate, banana and strawberry are as popular and delicious now as they've ever been. But what is even better, is that I have gained a herd of wonderful friends.


Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,

-Uri