Tuesday, 10 May 2011


I am back at home after a whirlwind trip to Afghanistan. I was asked by the British government to perform as a morale-boosting exercise for all the courageous men and women soldiers who are out there on their tour of duty. The show was a great success, I could feel so much positive energy in the aircraft hangar. So I guess in the end everyone saw the funny side after I bent their entire arsenal of firearms, missiles and tanks in half.

But even powerful minds like mine can suffer the effects of jet lag, so today I am chilling out with the Geller family dog 'Wholegrain Mustard' who I named Wholegrain Mustard after my favourite condiment.

But he was not originally my dog. He once belonged to my ex-best friend Michael Jackson, who brought him to the Neverland Valley ranch as a puppy and then put him on display in his private zoo. Wholegrain Mustard spent the first seven years of his life inside a perspex tank along with turtles, jellyfish and hammerhead sharks. This unconventional upbringing means that as an adult Wholegrain Mustard is uncomfortable walking on dry land, but on the plus side he is an excellent swimmer.

After Michael's sad and untimely death, the Jackson estate asked if my family and I would take care of his beloved pet and love him as if he were our own son. In fact, like all of the animals in Michael's zoo the dog's original name was 'Michael', but I found that when I threw spoons and called out to him to fetch them it was too upsetting..... and so I wiped his mind.

I actually practice a lot of my mind control techniques on Wholegrain Mustard, so that they are perfected by the time I demonstrate them at one of my sellout motivational speaking lectures. But today is a day-off for us both, and in this picture you see me and Wholegrain Mustard enjoying some downtime together. Before my afternoon nap I had hypnotised him into believing that he is a single strand of my hair. Look at his face! He has clearly been having the time of his life over the past five hours whilst sat totally paralysed upon my head.

I say with utmost sincerity that there are few things in my life I love more than Wholegrain Mustard.

Until the next time.... love, peace and positive energy,